Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Too Much of Myself

Well, today I have confession.  Lately I've kind of gotten stuck in this rut of comparison.  It's nothing unfamiliar--I've been here many times before.  And it's funny how it never gets to be any more fun than the time before.  It starts with a little comparison here, a little envy there, and before I know it I'm in a downward spiral that leaves me completely empty and miserable.  

I realize I'm at my end when I start to feel down on myself and weary.  Then the all-out-no-doubt-about-it-cardinal-sign-of-the-end-of-my-rope appears--that ugly beast....self-pity.  I start to think about how much better off I'd be if this.  And if only I could do that.  And then I label myself a complete and utter failure before God and man.  Ughhhh.

You're probably thinking that this happens over the course of a long period of time.  But this go 'round it seemed to happen overnight.  Literally.  I don't know what triggered it.  Maybe something dramatic?  Not that I remember.  Maybe someone did something really mean to me?  Not that either.  I'll tell you where it started.  My thoughts.  And little episodes like this are poignant reminders of my need for God to control my thoughts as well as my actions.  

I confessed my self-absorption and self-pity and just plain selfishness to my Father today, because it doesn't take long to realize what a barrier "self" can be to my walk with Christ and my work for Him.  I confessed it because I want to be in good fellowship with Him, not living according to my flesh.  And what I realized (again), is that at the end of the day (and in the morning, and in the afternoon, and every time in between), it really comes down to who I am before God alone.  It is He alone to whom I answer.  And it is He alone for whom I live.

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